Emotional Intelligence and Why it Matters
“I find their (human) illogic and foolish emotions a constant irritant.” Mr. Spock, Star Trek
I grew up with an undiagnosed trauma (I had blocked it out for 20 years), and developed anxiety and depression that I hid. I did not like feeling negative feelings. To me, they were overwhelming so I tried to suppress or ignore them. I also spent 25-years in a professional culture that conditioned you to not show emotion, because it was considered a weakness or that it made you less capable (especially for women).
The fallacy of denying, suppressing, or ignoring our emotions is that they come out in other ways, usually negative, and impacts our ability to have healthy connections and relationships with others.
The impact for me was I couldn’t fully process my emotions so I’d get angry over small irritants, all the time. I’d cry quickly when overwhelmed or when something didn’t go right. I couldn’t have a constructive disagreement or resolve it in a healthy way. I’d take things personally, or block out the disagreement, and be unable to explain my feelings and perspective. Additionally, not being aware of and processing my emotions, contributed to my anxiety and depression. Lastly, I couldn’t experience true peace, calm, joy or happiness, because they got muted/blunted.
How about for you, can you relate?
So why should we care about emotions and not ruthlessly ignore or block them out?
Ask yourself, do you want to experience more peace, calm, joy, and happiness? Do you want to improve or deepen your relationships? Do you want to be a better parent, partner, teammate, supervisor, and/or leader? Then it is important to increase your emotional intelligence.
Research shows the benefit of a high emotional intelligence is the ability to use our emotions to inform our decision-making through regulation of how we respond to our own emotions and those of others.
Did you know emotional intelligence helps us to motivate ourselves; work through frustrations; control our impulses; delay gratification; regulate our moods; and it keeps overwhelm or stress from blocking our ability to think, empathize, and hope?!
We need to be able to regulate our impulses if we’re going to perform well at anything that requires sustained focus and attention; such as, studying for a test, building a business, or in connecting and maintaining our relationships.
The good news is emotional intelligence can be developed. Research shows that up to 85% of our successes actually comes from emotional intelligence and personal skills; while only 15% comes from technical skill.
Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, says it’s possible to improve overall emotional intelligence and notes how come it matters:
“When emotions are too muted they create dullness and distance; when out of control, too extreme and persistent, they become pathological, as in immobilizing depression, overwhelming anxiety, raging anger, manic agitation…The goal is balance, not emotional suppression: every feeling has its value and significance.”
He recommends 5 ways to practice improving your emotional intelligence:
Self-awareness: Being aware of your own emotions and feelings (and those of others) is the first step towards improved emotional intelligence.
Get curious and nonjudgmentally observe, process, and regulate your thoughts and emotions so that your rational and emotional sides are more in tune. This means becoming more aware of your subconscious thoughts and the feelings they generate, along with improving the signaling between the different areas of the brain. It is a way of retraining our brain so it doesn’t hyper focus on the negative or keep you stuck in past patterns that may no longer be helpful.
Self-regulation: Being able to regulate your response to emotions or difficult situations can lead to better decision making and more effective management of difficult people/situations.
Motivation: Being motivated drives success and pushes your boundaries towards new challenges and goals. This same motivation can drive better business outcomes.
Ability to show empathy: Demonstrating an ability to understand the emotions of others (and the best way to respond) can lead to better people management, relationships, and communication. It can also result in a higher degree of respect from others around you, better overall professionalism, and closer connections.
Social skills: Good social skills equals good people management, and a good ability to network and build relationships.
There are some excellent tools and resources available to assist in developing and practicing emotional intelligence from mindfulness, meditation, Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. Tapping), to thought-feeling-action-results worksheets, and journaling.
Having and practicing emotional intelligence has been a game changer in my life, y’all!
If you want to feel more alive, in balance, attuned, and have stronger, healthier, and/or deeper connections and relationships; then get curious and develop your emotional intelligence.
What is one tiny step or action you can do today? It is so worth it!