How to Free Yourself From Shame’s Hold

I came across Brene Brown’s quote, “Shame cannot survive being spoken…and being met with empathy.”

And it got me thinking…how do we work through shame?

Shame is when we’ve taken an experience (something we said/did, someone else said/did, and/or what what happened to us) and internalize it as a negative belief about who we are as a person and our character (i.e. “I am unworthy”).

It keeps us stuck in negative thinking, emotional, and behavioral patterns. It also negatively impacts our self-esteem.

Sometimes we stay stuck, or are afraid to step out towards what we want to be, and/or create in this world, because of shame and the story (thoughts, beliefs, emotions) we created around it.

As fellow coach Marianne McCourt notes (love her Facebook posts, y’all): “Our feelings, which are actually energetic vibrations, can be measured in megahertz  from 0-1000…

0 is death, 20 is shame and it goes on up through grief, anger@150, neutrality @250, love @ 500, Enlightenment @700…Gratitude scores @ 540. So above Love and below Peace @600.”

How about for you? Where in your life has shame taken root?

To feel more joy, love, and peace in your life; it is important to work through the shame. When we do, we can see shame for what it is…the limiting negative believes and thoughts our inner critic keeps repeating from our past.

These negative beliefs and comments generate fear and intense negative feelings about ourselves. Our brain believes it, and these negative thoughts and emotions we bought into keep our brain in a negative pattern.

So how can we work through shame and rewire our brain to see the positive and possible? Try these 4 steps:

1) Awareness.

Mindfulness can help us tune in to what our inner critic is saying. Ask your inner critic what it has to say.

It is important to do this from a place of nonjudgmental curiosity and willingness to hold space for the thoughts, emotions, and memories that will come up. Remind yourself you are safe.

2) Name It.

Once you are aware of the thoughts; then name and notice the feelings associated with those thoughts. Also notice where and how those feelings show up in your body.

Awareness and naming it is like shining a flashlight it a dark corner, making it less scary and more neutral.

3) Acknowledge Where It Came From.

Once aware of the thoughts and feelings, and having named them (to include the shame)…from a place of loving (empathy), nonjudgmental curiosity, ask what memory is associated with the shame.

Taking these steps can help you see the shame isn’t who you are…it is about what happened in the past. That helps lower our resistance and hold the shame has on us…and helps us mentally separate the shame from our character.

4) Take Action.

Now we can take small consistent steps forward towards who we want to be and/or what we want to create. To help with self-esteem, you can take action by using I AM statements (I AM Enough, I AM worthy, etc.) to help rewrite the negative thoughts and beliefs.

Then you can practice gratitude and forgiveness for who you are, what is in your life, and giving yourself grace for doing the best you could at the time.

Next, state one small action you will take towards your future intensions. Notice if there is any resistance still coming up and explore it.

Lastly, take that step and celebrate it! Makes it fun and playful. Then keep doing the action steps and celebrate (the awareness and you steps forward). Makes it easier to keep moving forward.

There will be times when the resistance kicks back in. It is ok; know you have the tools to work through it and to keep moving forward.

If you want to live a lit up life, it is time to let go of the shame and step into the light. You deserve to be happy, and to live in alignment with who you truly are!